The last few days have been hard. My heart just hurts. We are a week away from our daughter, Landry, turning two, which is an exciting time for most families. But for ours, it’s the birthday we never made it to with our son, Bennett. So the mom guilt in me feels terrible that I’m not excited about my daughter’s birthday. I have nothing planned and I’m not sure what we will even do. Two is just that age that hurts for me.
And if that wasn’t hard enough, a few days after Landry’s birthday is Bennett’s 5th birthday. FIVE. That’s a big one. I don’t get to hang streamers for him to run through or make his favorite cake. I don’t even know what his favorite cake is.
So yeah, I’m sad.
Yesterday I got up early while the house was still quiet, made a cup of coffee and opened my Bible. I flipped to the Psalms hoping for some encouragement and the first one I came to was exactly how my heart was feeling…
“How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day?” (Psalm 13:2)
That’s me…sorrow in my heart every day. Now most days it doesn’t consume me like it has these last few days. With any grief, as you get closer to those milestone dates, it gets harder. Your body and heart feel the pain all over again…and again…and again. I kept reading the Psalm and I love this little line that jumped out at me…
“…Restore the sparkle to my eyes…” (Psalm 13:3)
At first, I laughed because I don’t like most things sparkly…especially glitter. Even my kids know that I stay FAR AWAY from glitter! But I looked up the meaning of “sparkle,” and it said it was like the eyes of a faint person when they begin to recover. YES…my heart is desperate for that sparkle right now, that light to come back, to recover even just a little bit. I know that it won’t ever be a full recovery this side of heaven because that’s the beast of grief. I will always love my son so I will always miss him deeply. But just for a day, I’m desperate for a little sparkle. How, Lord?
“But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the Lord because he is good to me.” (Psalm 13:5,6)
Do you know what the key word is in that verse? BUT! I wasn’t feeling the good yesterday. Instead, I was experiencing all the sorrow and anguish like David was when he wrote this Psalm. It’s in those times when I need to say, “But God…”.
My heart is broken…but God, you love me.
My pain is overwhelming…but God, you’ve rescued me.
My sorrow is deep…but God, you’re good to me.
So I cried out, “I will do anything today, Lord. Anything. How can I give you my best today and see Your good?”
I heard, “Your family is good.”
It’s not what I planned for us with one child in heaven, but my family is good. So yesterday, I put everything else aside for the day and just played with my kids. We laughed, they fought, we had time-outs and consequences, me made forts and watched a movie, and it was good. And you know what? I found a little sparkle in my day.
I don’t always get what God’s doing with our story, but I trust in His unfailing love. And on those days when the sadness is a little deeper and the sorrow a little more real, I will pray for the Lord to show me the good. Because there is always good.