I just can’t sugarcoat how yesterday went. It truly sucked. Like down to the core, worst day yet.
It was a day that I was not expecting. It was a day that I’ve been praying against. It was a day that I cried more tears than I could count.
It started with Bennett getting a CT scan early Friday morning and then we went to the Medicine Room for some routine medicine. I started noticing that his breathing was becoming very labored. When I mentioned it to the nurse, she called our doctor who wanted to see us. So off to clinic we went. And I just knew when Dr. Sara walked into our room, she was concerned. And rightly so.
She explained that the tumors have grown in size and number. The one on his liver is starting to squish his kidney and the ones on his lungs are getting in the way of his breathing. And because it is advancing so quickly, he is no longer eligible for either of the trial drugs that we were hoping to start on Monday.
Yes, yesterday was the day the doctor said that we are out of medical options for Bennett. She’s going to try and get him a compassionate use for one of the drugs, but doesn’t think that he has enough time to be on it to see if it will work in shrinking the tumors.
Based on the aggressiveness of the tumors, they have told us he will probably only make it a few more weeks. WEEKS.
How do you even process something like that?
All I know is that I still believe in a God who heals. And the place God keeps taking me is in Hebrews…
So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in a very little while, “He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.” But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved. (Hebrews 10:35-39)
So we will continue to live by faith and not throw away our confidence in a mighty God. He will not delay. And even though our hearts are heavy and overwhelmed right now, we know that God loves our little Bennett. And even though we are out of medical options, we are never out of God options.
We truly are never out of God options. Why? Because of the cross. Because of the resurrection. Davis and I talked a lot about heaven last night and the young children there that once had the same disease that Bennett is fighting. At the end, Davis said, “So for Bennett…it’s either life here or life in heaven.”
I’m glad someone in our family is processing this well! After I put Davis to sleep, I drove to pick up dinner for Megan and I just poured out my heart to God. It was my first moment alone yesterday and the first chance to sob. I confessed to Jesus that I was at the point where I only knew enough to put one foot in front of the other and keep breathing. I didn’t even know for sure how to feel in that moment. Do I stir up more belief or do I mourn?
God said to do both. I think that is His message for us all. You can do both without being a crazy person. You can set your mind and hands to mourn and care for your ailing child, and still let your heart still believe. Abraham did when God told him to sacrifice his son, Isaac. He mourned the suffering his son would endure, but believed God’s promise the world would be blessed through his offspring.
At the beginning, we invited you to join us in the waiting room and we never knew that thousands would take us up on that invitation. Now we are inviting you to join us in doing both…mourn and believe. Mourn Bennett’s pain, but also believe in the same power that raised Jesus from the grave will heal Bennett as well. #Pray4BabyBennett