A GOOD PLACE TO BE

Plain and simple…everything reminds me of Bennett.

When one of us is eating rice, I think of how Bennett loved it. When we are devouring our ice cream cones, I think of how Bennett begged for the whole thing. When the kids watch a DVD in the car, I see his green headphones and think of him wearing them and watching Veggie Tales over and over again. When we eat at Chick-Fil-A, I’m reminded of how that was one of the only things he would eat while on chemo. When I go to a restaurant that he’s been to, I can remember the last place where we sat as a family of five together and laughed. When I see his toy walker, I can see the look on his face when he found freedom around the house as he learned to walk. When I use my water bottle, I can picture how he would push the button to make the mouth piece open and then he would laugh as water sprayed him. When we order at Starbucks, I always think of how he loved their vanilla milk in the orange box.

Seriously…everything reminds me of him. And I have to admit, it is so hard to not just pull the covers over my head each morning and say that I will tackle life tomorrow.

But if I did that, then I know I would miss out on the beauties of today. And today’s beauties have already been so sweet…

I got up and started my first day of training for the St. Jude Marathon that I will run in December. I got to watch Davis jump in the pool and swim to the other side all by himself at swim lessons. I got to see Reide’s face light up as she went under water and swam to the steps by herself. I got to watch Davis and Ben come up with new and creative ways to play rock, paper, scissors at lunch. I got to go shopping with the kids to prepare for our family camp we leave for next week.

And those were just the beauties before 1pm today!

The natural thing is to hide away in sorrow. The healthy thing is to see the beauties in the midst of your sorrow. Because believe me, there is still so much sorrow. And there will be. I lost my baby boy. Overnight I became a mommy without a baby in a crib. Without a diaper to change. Without a little one on my hip at all times. And that just sucks.

But God didn’t get us through the storm of cancer to leave me in the boat floating along with no purpose or hope, heartbroken and alone. That’s a trap that is easy to fall into. And a lie that I have had to fight against myself. Instead, He knows where He’s taking us…to the other side of the shore. It’s just like that one little sentence in the story in Mark 4 where Jesus calms the storm…

Jesus said, “Let us go over to the other side.” (Mark 4:35)

Jesus knew the storm was coming. But He also knew where He wanted the disciples to go. And His plan was not for them to drown.

We will not drown.

Now I don’t really think I’ve made it to the shore yet. Don’t get me wrong, the winds have died down and the storm is calm, but for now I’m still in the boat. Not hopeless and alone. But with my family, in the presence of God, watching the rainbow above and being reminded that He is still in control. And even without Bennett, there are still so many beauties ahead for us.

And that is a good place to be.

I know many of you didn’t know Bennett at all before he was sick, so I wanted to start sharing pictures and videos of him so you could see even more of how wonderful he was!! Here is a video of him with his toy walker learning to walk like I mentioned above. Oh that sweet smile!

https://vimeo.com/97277532

 

34 Comments

  1. I can only imagine! Man what a cutie! Hang in there and keep trucking! Praying for you all. I’m going to miss that sweet and spunky Davis in SS class now that he moved UP!

  2. Dear Megan, Over 30 years ago I lost my 16 year old son and everything you are feeling is so very normal. Our children are everywhere. In the dark days after his death, I would see so many young men that looked liked him or I would hear his footsteps. I cannot even imagine losing a young one such as Bennett, one that depends on you for everything. Please know that you have touched me in sharing Baby Ben’s story and he has touched me also. I pray for you all constantly. God Bless You!

  3. Such a cutie that I will look for in Heaven, after I see my own daughter up there first. Praise The Lord we will see them there because He died for us & rose again to save us. I feel your loss, it has only been 4 1/2 yrs. since my Jamie girl died. She used to babysit kids all the time & if there is need for someone to keep the kids up there I know she knows your Bennett. Love & prayers for all of you.

  4. Thank you for sharing this beautiful picture and video. It brought tears to my eyes. We’ve never met, but I am so proud of you Megan. You see beauty in the moments in your day — such a healthy place to be! And, what a testament of strength and love for your little one who lives in so many hearts!

  5. What a wonderful little video. Thanks for continuing to share your journey. God has given you so much grace to face these days. You are such a wonderful inspiration.

  6. Thank you for sharing this video. It blesses me to see him before the illness. May God continue to give you the inspiration it takes to face each day with willingness to see the beauty in all things!

  7. Your posts are truly gifts for all of us. We miss Bennett and never even met him. I can only imagine how much you miss him.

  8. Just tonight, as I was driving home from my daughter’s house, there in the sky was a beautiful rainbow. The end-to-end rainbow. With another rainbow on top. A reminder of a promise. What a GOD we have! You’re right- you are not alone in that boat. And HE will get you to the other side!

    Much love. k

  9. Thank you. Thank you for continuing to share your lives with us as you walk through the grieving process. I am honored to be allowed on this journey with your family. I ask that God continue to give your family strength each day! May God Bless all of you who have lost your children before they got the chance to become adults. I have been blessed not to have had this experience and hope I will never have to. Although Bennett was not my flesh and blood, I miss him as well. A mother once said, if a mother can live through the death of her child…she is the strongest she will ever be. I feel that as heartbreaking and sad the death of a child is, it is my belief that God has chosen the purest to be the Angels in his army. This is how the ultimate defeat of satan will come. God Bless.

  10. before i read this post, me and the kids went outside i kid you not there was the most beautiful rainbow in the sky, i mean i could see perfectly ever color and i told my kids whenever you see that rainbow it a reminder of Gods promise and He is always with us. U told me once you love how God speaks throuh his creations He spoke tonight. It was stunning we just paused life for a moment and were just looking up in the sky, what peace I got today from just looking up. A good place to be, God is with us even on those days we want to just stay in bed.

  11. Your so right Megan, we keep going and see the beauty, His promises are true! Yes, your sweet Bennett is fully with you and joyfully on the other side! So encouraging to view life this way~ Thank you for sharing!

  12. ‘Jesus said, “Let us go over to the other side.” (Mark 4:35)
    Jesus knew the storm was coming. But He also knew where He wanted the disciples to go. And His plan was not for them to drown.’

    YES! Thank you for this. It spoke to my heart. I am in his boat for different reasons but I know He is with me, that he knows where he wants me to go.. at least I am learning this, learning to trust… His ways are gentle. Even in the midst of heartache and trouble, in storms, he loves us. Your story has ministered to me, to my family many times over. Our heart grieves with you for your loss but it rejoices with you for the Truths He has brought to you.
    Psalms 61:5.. you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.
    Psalms 62:1-2 My should finds rest in God alone;
    my salvation comes from him.
    He alone is my rock and my salvation;
    he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
    verse 11-12…that you, O God are strong, and that you, O Lord, are loving.

  13. What sweet pictures of Bennett! Thank you for sharing with us. I was thinking of you all this morning and while we don’t know each other I’ve prayed for you all a lot these last few weeks and months. This song came to mind as yu were writing about being in the middle of the storm and trying to not loose sight of Christ in it all. Look up “My Lighthouse” by Rend Collective. I’m going to try and post a link.

    1. Kayla, a friend gave us that CD right after Bennett passed away. And that song has become one of our favorites! He will carry us safe to shore.

    1. Thank you for sharing your lessons. We have not met but I love your family for their unwavering faith & love for The Lord. You have taught me so much & I look forward to your posts as the are incredible ministries. I still pray for you all.

  14. Good morning Megan! Did you see the beauty of the double rainbow yesterday? We had a nephew who passed away within less than a year of his diagnosis at St. Judes 29 years ago at the age of 6 with a rare form of leukemia. His favourite song was “Rainbow Connection” from The Muppets. Yesterday was the 29th anniversary – there is always a rainbow each year. Thank you so much for posting because your strength is helping my family. During a simple gallbladder removal in late March, my doctors discovered cancer and on April 1st, I was diagnosed with what is considered the worst ovarian cancer to have and I was at a Stage 3C. Life became a whirlwind of more surgery and immediate chemo because there was not time to waste. I know this is not going to kill me and I always knew there was a greater gift to be gained from this and I am starting to see that come to pass – true miracles within my family are taking place and past issues that were buried and ignored are back in the forefront and being dealt with head on for much needed healing and the restoration of faith with my husband. Our God is good. I know He doesn’t give anything like cancer to us and I truly believe that He doesn’t let us walk through more than we can handle. I know He has us here for a purpose and when we have completed our job, we receive our reward in Heaven. I also believe at some point, if it hasn’t happened already, you will become aware of His greater plan in this and when you do, the days will be a little easier. We are from Lafayette as well and I have many friends who go to church with your family. I have shared your posts from the beginning and continue to do so and your message is being received all by my friends all over the world. You are a beautiful family who are doing a mighty work in Acadiana and beyond. I keep you all in my prayers!

    1. Beth, we will be praying for your healing too! Thank you for sharing. And I missed the rainbow but many people sent me pictures:)

  15. Thank you Megan! God has truly given you a gift to heal and comfort even in the mist of having to let your little angel return home! Please continue to share. I know you are helping so many people to know God’s great love!

  16. Megan,
    I don’t know if you remember. I am Alisa’s very best friend. I remember you when you were just little and would spend time with Georgia. I am so sorry to hear about Bennett! He looks like he was a joy, and so happy. I had people at work put him on their prayer lists at church. You are truly an amazing woman & Mother. You and Bennett have made an amazing impact on so many people. I lost my oldest son in an automobile accident 15 years ago. Times were very hard at that time. If I hadn’t had my faith and friends I’m not sure I would have made it. I have had some hard times since but you have given me courage and faith through your blogs. I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

    1. Lisa, thank you! We never thought we would be walking in these shoes but we are grateful for the impact Bennett’s life is making. God is certainly teaching me what crazy courage and faith look like. Hopefully we will make it back to Indiana soon and can catch up!

  17. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing…I did not have the pleasure of meeting Bennett ….one day I will.
    He is in our hearts always. Thinking of you and Ben and the kids and going to camp makes me smile. Take care and have a great summer!!!! They grow up so fast..
    Luv, Kathy

  18. You have chosen to let God love, heal, use and restore your joy. I still find myself remembering the wonderful lives of Christy, Geoff and Rebekah. You are wise in sharing your grief in the realm of always giving God the glory and praise. He is faithful and will accomplished all He has promised. I continue to pray for you daughter of the King. Love, Kathy

  19. Catching up on all your recent blogs and I am still so in awe of your strength and grace. You are so inspirational, Megan, and I’m so glad that I can help carry the memory of Bennett’s name in some way. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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